World Baseball Classic Preview: Everyone Sucks

The World Baseball Classic has been going on for a week now and you had no idea. That’s pretty revealing if you ask me. They’ve only been qualifiers between baseball factories such as Brazil and the Netherlands, but they’ve been going on.

The world will stop every two years for the summer or winter Olympics, and every four years the World Cup of soccer/football gets our loins burnin’. But the World Baseball Classic doesn’t come close. It’s the sad tweenager with knee and elbow pads who can’t even get in the skate park let alone do the halfpipe with the cool kids. It’s still troubleshooting the Zune while the world has moved on to iPhones. It’s time we packed it up and called it. No one cares about you, WBC.

Instead of giving you a preview and prediction let me just tell you why the six favorites for this competition suck.

Team USA

Without a doubt, this is the saddest roster for any American team in any sport, in any competition. They will write blues songs about how sad this team is. Credit to David Wright for returning for a second competition, but he’s teamed up with over-the-hill (or perhaps buried under it at this point) Jimmy Rollins, Kevin Hart personality Brandon Phillips, and Eric Hosmer, who replaced Mark Teixeira after he couldn’t make it through one practice. The WBC is literally breaking players.

Then there’s the pitching staff. Oh man, this pitching staff. Here’s something fun for you: From the following list of six names, three are pitching for Team USA, and three are currently listed on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List. See if you can figure out who goes where:

David Hernandez
Jason Brown
Eric Toth
Vinnie Pestano
Tim Collins
Robert Fisher

Names 2, 3, and 6 are fugitives so please go and look for them instead of wasting your time watching this competition. You know what I want to do? I want to slime this team. They suck.

Team Japan

There’s not a single Major Leaguer on this team. The only name you’ll recognize is Kaz Matusi, and that’s probably because he’s famous for that debilitating anal fissure he suffered for the Astros a few years ago. They also have someone named Tanaka, which says something about the racism in the Major League movies. What it says, I don’t know.

You know what I’m gonna do for this team? Price is Right losing horn. They suck.

Team Cuba

It’s difficult to analyze Cuba because for the most part, they aren’t able to play in Major League Baseball. For all we know, they could have nine Yoenis Cespedes’s out there and we’d be none the wiser. That’s probably what it is; after all, I think they won this thing the first year, or maybe they lost to Japan. Whatever. They suck. Mike Francesa falling asleep for the Cubans.

Team Venezuela

They could win, but they’re a bit top heavy. After stars like Miguel Cabrera, Pablo Sandoval, Carlos Gonzalez, and Elvis Andrus, you get some real pus like Victor Zambrano, Ramon A. Ramirez, Juan Rincon, and, sigh, they acutally have K-Rod on the team.

This team gets the top heavy Mitt Romney jenga collapse. They suck.

Team Mexico

Adrian Gonzalez was born in San Diego, which, I believe, is an American city in California. Yet he pops up here on Team Mexico, which whatever, these guys aren’t contenders. Sorry, Jorge Cantu, Bill Cosby is not buying it. They suck.

Team Chinese Tapei

These guys used fake umpires as spies to scout the Korean team while they were practicing. They really did that. You think that WE’RE soft Tapei? You get tossed.

Suck.

Team Dominican Republic

The names outweigh the actual talent on this roster. Sure, Jose Reyes and Robinson Cano are a great double play combination, but turning double plays would require pitchers like Wandy Rodriguez, Edinson Volquez, and Octavio Dotel to actually keep the ball in the yard for once. Team Taipei doesn’t even need fake umpires to see that these guys suck. Joe Biden laughs at you, Dominican Republic. You suck.

Everybody sucks.

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Posted in MLB

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