Gentlemen, Start Your Horses: Picking the 2013 Kentucky Derby Winner

derby

If the Kentucky Derby is “the fastest two minutes in sports,” it makes sense that the horses’ names are so terrible.

After two minutes, it’s easy to forget about Barbaro. Or was it Barbasol? I can’t remember.

Horse Racing is a difficult sport to understand.  There are three major horse races a year: The Kentucky Derby, The Preakness Stakes and the Budweiser 400.  The Kentucky Derby is the biggest and flashiest because it’s the first leg of the Triple Crown, and the winning horse always takes to the streets to celebrate.

horsemask1

The atmosphere of these races depends on where you’re sitting.  Are you in the infield?  Then you better be wearing a sleeveless shirt and have a cold PBR in your hand.  Did you end up in the stands with the really white people? Get yourself an obnoxiously large hat and start pounding mint juleps.

Funny, the rich people look like much bigger a**holes

Funny, the rich people look like much bigger a**holes

I’m always interested to see the participants in the Kentucky Derby each year. I like to pick my favorite horse based on nothing but their obscure names. In 2010, I put down an actual bet at an actual OTB on a horse named “Homeboykris” based on my fandom for former Syracuse star, Kris Joseph. Gambling is problem, people.

Jeezy at the OTB in 2010.

Jeezy at the OTB in 2010.

I want you to win some money this year.  That’s why I’m giving you the hot tip on what horse is going to win the whole thing…based on name alone, because I don’t know s*** about horse racing.

The Losers

Warhorses

Java’s War

Who would start a war with coffee?  I bet it’s tea. Tea is so pretentious.

Revolutionary

The only way this horse is revolutionary is if it’s two dudes running in a horse costume.

zebra

Lines of Battle

I want a horse not a History Channel miniseries.

Normandy Invasion

World War II references? Too soon, man.

Rhymes and Puns

Palace Malice

I do enjoy rhymes. He is the son of Curlin? More like Hurlin, am I right?

Frac Daddy

Just call him Mac Daddy in honor of the fallen Kris Kross member. Hope he JUMPS into heaven.

krisskross

Full of Themselves

Will Take Charge

Oh WILL YOU? You’re so smug, horse.

Itsmyluckyday

Use a space bar, freak.

Giant Finish

That’s just gross.

toby

The Contenders

The Letter “O”

Orb

What a stupid name.

stupid

Overanalyze

Overanalyze is the favorite for anyone who takes horse racing seriously.

Oxbow

Shouldn’t it be named “Horsebow?” A bow that shot horses, now THAT is horse sport I can get behind.

TNT Dramas

Falling Sky

If there’s going to be a horse named after a TNT show, it better be called “Franklin and Bash.” I will accept nothing else.

fandb

The Favorites

Gibberish

Vyjack

Vyjack is under scrutiny for performance enhancing drugs. SUPERHORSE!

superhorse

Mylute

I had to research this one. Mylute’s jockey is a woman. The last female I remember racing was Eight Belles and she was shot as soon as the race ended. Sure, one is a jockey and one was an animal. But there’s always a chance someone is getting murdered, and that’s a risk I’m not willing to take.

Colors

Goldencents

This is Rick Pitino’s horse.  Based on the year he’s having, Goldencents will win by moonwalking across the finish line. Since Pitino owns the horse, it will be the fastest 15 seconds in sports. AYYOOO.

pitinohorse

Golden Soul

The second of two “Golden” horses. Real original. At least name your horse “Goldeneye” after the greatest N64 game of all time.

007n64

Black Onyx

I see Onyx and I think of “Slam Harder.”  WHO SLAM HARDER, ONYX OR VINCE CARTER? If this horse was by Vince Carter it would make picking a winner a lot easier.

Named after an NYC Bridge

Verrazano

Verrazano is the big favorite to win. It reminds me of the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge in New York City and man do I hate tolls.  I ain’t rooting for no horse bridge.

The Winner

horse catCharming Kitten

Obviously the horse named after a cat is going to win. Charming Kitten is a horse after my own heart.  I couldn’t possibly root harder for Charming Kitten, unless of course it’s a real cat, wearing a shark costume riding a Roomba around the track. That would win all the roses.

cat roomba

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