Three (or Two) Man Weave: The NFL Draft

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The NFL Draft is such a wonderful experience. Spring is in the air, temperatures are rising, and the beer selection gets pretty fruity (Jeezy loves that). As basketball and baseball struggle to captivate our attention, our true pastime returns and we get so excited because FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL and we jump up and down as the clock hits 8pm only to see… “the Chiefs are on the clock”. And then something like this happens:

“Welp, guess I can grab a beer while we wait for that pick.”

[sigh]

“That took 30 seconds.”

“Man, I have like an entire episode of Friends before the Chiefs finally decide.”

Repeat that 32 times.

But it’s okay, we still love the NFL Draft because it gives us great stories, such as “How will the Jets screw up this time?”, and “Why is everyone hugging Roger Goodell? Don’t they know he’s the devil?” and finally, “Go home Jets, you’re drunk”. As we anticipate the clock ticking to 8 tonight, join us as we discuss all the important issues related to the 2013 NFL Draft.

Ok you guys, let’s get this out-of-the-way, who do you root for and who do you think they should draft?

Haggleman Mondays: I root for the Jets. No sense in hiding it. I tried to fit in with everybody when I picked on them in the intro, but that’s my team. I spend just about every draft by myself, with a bottle of water and a bottle of Pepto, just hoping we can make it through this one okay. I think it’s obvious how excited I am now to have TWO first round picks.

Who should the Jets draft? Oh brother, it’d be easier to tell you who they SHOULD NOT draft. And that answer is pretty simple really; don’t draft a quarterback and don’t draft Manti Te’o. That’s all you gotta do, Jets. If you can just handle that, I will consider tonight a success.

[Goes into fetal position]

Jeezy Sanchez: The Green Bay Packers. I’m a Cheesehead through and through. The draft is usually a fun time for NFL fans, but not for Packer fans. Ted Thompson rarely makes a splash in the draft, except for 2009 (BJ Raji and Clay Matthews in the 1st round). These days, we come to expect Green Bay to draft an offensive or defensive lineman I’ve never heard of.

Here’s how the first round goes for Packer fans:

  • 8:00 pm – Begin drinking
  • 9:00 pm – Continue drinking
  • 10:00 pm – Doze off
  • 11:00 pm – OOH BABY WE’RE ON THE CLOCK!
  • 11:10 pm – “WHO?!?!”
  • 11:30 pm – Bed

Who do they take? Anybody. Just don’t trade out of the first round and waste my night.

Here’s another brain buster… tell us who should be picked number 1 overall tonight?

HM: If I had the number 1 pick, I’d probably take Ziggy Ansah from BYU or Tavon Austin from West Virginia because I’m a sucker for playmakers. Hey, remember that show Playmakers on ESPN? I really enjoyed that show. Except that one time where the linebacker was bangin’ some girl from behind and my dad walked in to the living room. That’s probably why ESPN gave it to Showtime after one season.

JS: I think the Chiefs should draft more draft picks.  It’s like wishing for more wishes when you find a magical boombox and a 7-foot rapping genie.  Maybe I should just watch Kazaam tonight and follow the draft on Twitter.

What’s up with Ryan Nassib? He seems to be all the rage these days. Is he for real?

nassib

HM: Ryan Nassib may well have a good career in the NFL, but I’m not taking that chance. I watched every single game of the Ryan Nassib era at Syracuse and while I’m grateful for what he did in taking a truly awful program to two bowl games, I just don’t trust him at the NFL level. His passes beyond 15 yards are about as effective as green turtle shells on Mario Kart.

JS: Captain Checkdown? Yeah, I’m not drinking that Orange Kool-aid. He wasn’t good in college and yet suddenly, he’s a potential first round pick. Since when did NFL offenses fall in love with quarterbacks who only throw bubble screens and pop passes to the tight end? Even Doug Marrone doesn’t really want him. Just draft him, Buffalo. If anyone can talk themselves into Nassib, it’s a Bills fan.

Give us your favorite and least favorite part of the draft.

dnied

HM: My favorite part is the Jets fans. They boo just about every pick, and the ones they do like COUGH VERNON GHOLSTON end up being awful. The Jets fans are pretty much as effective at evaluating draft talent as their GMs are.

My least favorite part? ESPN. Just all of their guys, everywhere, all the time. There’s too many people talking about too much and they’ve talked over Goodell announcing picks in the past few years. I’m not a big NFL Network dude, but they are still way, way better at this.

JS: Like Haggleman said, the best part of the draft is easily the Jets fans. Never move the draft to another city, NFL. Even if you do, Jets fans will load up in a bus and drive there so they can personally boo everybody.

The least favorite part is the 362 days that “draft experts” spend projecting the draft. Nobody knows anything. Teams put up smoke signals to scare other teams, nobody reveals their hand and why on earth would you trust someone who watches strictly NFL football, then suddenly is an expert on 300 college players? I would read a chimpanzee’s mock draft before I read Peter King’s.

Finally, why don’t you tell us how the Jets will screw up this year.

HM: Here’s what I see happening for the Jets: Rex, obviously in his last year with the team, has no desire to draft offensive players and lobbies are for the team to take two solid defensive players. That would be an okay strategy for any other team, but these Jets are so putrid on offense that they need help with one of those first round picks. I’d be a bit disappointed if we didn’t draft somebody who can score a touchdown tonight.

JS: The Jets have 2 selections in the first 13 picks. It would be REALLY difficult to screw up both shots at drafting a good player. They will find a way. I see them taking a defensive lineman with the 9th pick, then trading the 13th for a bag of magic beans. That’s so Jets.

Finally, we leave you with Aggro Swag’s SUPER IMPORTANT VERY INTELLIGENT MOCK DRAFT 2013

1. Kansas City Chiefs – A Jelly Doughnut

jelly

Andy Reid makes the first big move of the draft by filling his big belly.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars – Bowser

bowser

Jacksonville likes the athleticism of this giant… turtle? Dinosaur? Whatever, too much talent to pass up.

3. TRADE – The Oakland Raiders trade their first round choice to the New England Patriots, who then select the next 5 Super Bowl Championships

pats

Ugh, Oakland. Will you ever learn?

4. Philadelphia Eagles – The Oregon Ducks

ducks

Chip Kelly having a hearty laugh as he gets his entire team to Philly. “Heh, how y’all like my new offense?”

5. Detroit Lions – Transformer Bumblebee

bb

What? It worked with Megatron, didn’t it?

6. Cleveland Browns – Nerlens Noel

nerlens

Browns taking the “best available player” strategy a bit too literally.

7. Arizona Cardinals – Jason Street

street

Oh, like it’s soooooo hard to play quarterback in a wheelchair. Isn’t that essentially what Matt Leinart was doing?

8. Buffalo Bills – Vince Young

bills

The Bills panicked and just picked the first guy they saw at the Cheesecake Factory.

9. New York Jets – “OHHHH NOOO” guy

Best moment in the draft’s entire history. “New York Jets first round selection, fullback–” “OHHH NOOOOO”. The Jets take that guy because obviously he knows what the hell he’s doing.

10. Tennessee Titans – Chris Johnson

No, not “that” Chris Johnson.  A random dude named Chris Johnson because their current one is broken.

11. TRADEChargers trade their pick to the Buccaneers, who are desperate to draft Eric Legrand

el

[Collective draft room eye roll, but everyone is too polite to say how tired they are of this story out loud]

12. Miami Dolphins – Pitbull

bl

YEAAAHHH EEEEEE YEEAAHHH 

13. New York Jets – Fireman Ed.

fed

“Hey man, come on back to the games will you? Please?”

14. Carolina PanthersTecmo Bowl Bo Jackson

bo

Forms an unstoppable combo with Madden 13 Cam Newton.

15. New Orleans Saints – Roger Goodell

goodell

Only because Saints fans will pie him in the face immediately upon selecting him.

16. St. Louis Rams – A Giga Pet

giga

Jeff Fischer is just a little behind the times.

17. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Delta Gamma Pi Sorority

Ben Roethlisberger lost Mike Wallace, so a bunch of teenage girls will make him feel better.

18. Dallas Cowboys – The Moon

moon

“Jerry Jones, you can’t just draft the moon, there are rules here.”
“LIKE HELL I CAN’T” [Jerry Jones grabs moon, carries it like a football, flies away on jetpack]

19. New York Giants – Bane

bane

He’d make an incredible pass rusher, like they don’t already have enough of those.

20. Chicago Bears – Baby Cutler

bc

After the first day of training camp, Jay Cutler calls his own child “unprofessional” and a huge “p***y.”

21. Cincinnati Bengals – Joey Votto

joey

Just poaching from other sports now.

22. St. Louis Rams – Kevin Ware’s Leg

scared

Everyone’s body falls apart in St. Louis.

23. Minnesota Vikings – [falls asleep, misses pick]

garf

They need to figure out this whole draft process soon, because it’s getting a little ridiculous.

24. Indianapolis Colts – Andy Dwyer

dwyer

Chris Traeger calls in another favor from his pal Jim Irsay, and the Colts have the first security guard and 3 legged dog wide receiver combo in the NFL.

25. Minnesota Vikings – Confusion

favre

“Hold on now, we get to pick AGAIN?!”

26. Green Bay Packers – No one you’ve ever heard of

packers

Classic Packers.

27. Houston Texans – Yao Ming

ayo

Houston just misses Yao. Don’t we all?

28. Denver Broncos – Vince Papale from Invincible

mark

Fills another Scrappy McWhiteguy spot on a roster full of them.

29. Oakland Raiders – Sonic the Hedgehog

hedge

If it’s fast, it can play wide receiver for the Oakland Raiders.

30. Atlanta Falcons – Michael Turner

slow

By accident.

31. San Francisco 49ers – Mike Rice

rice

Harbaugh just loves this guy’s fire.

32. Baltimore Ravens – Manti Te’o

manti

Ravens suddenly have a need for a Jesus-loving linebacker who covers up deaths.

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