It’s WEDDING SEASON!
Having two characters on a TV show get married is an inevitable story for a long-running sitcom. Some shows do it right, some do it wrong and others never seal the deal (Looking at you, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air). My friend is getting married, so in lieu of a gift, I am presenting him, and all of you with The 5 Best TV Weddings Ever. Hey, it’s better than a second toaster.
Jim and Pam – The Office
You already know my thoughts on The Office as a whole, but Jim and Pam played a big role in why people loved the show so much. Them and Creed.
The Jim and Pam wedding was six years in the making. The sexual tension the first three seasons was palpable. When they finally began dating, it was only a matter of time before the wedding episode.
JAM decides to have the wedding in Niagara Falls to dissuade as many coworkers as possible from going. Michael Scott was having none of that and gave everyone a long weekend to make the trip. The Dunder Mifflin crew arrives at the hotel and Michael doesn’t have a room because he doesn’t understand the concept of blocking rooms. Join the club, Mr. Scott.
Pam is preggers and the only person who doesn’t know is her grandmother, Meemaw. Don’t get me started on that name. At the rehearsal dinner, Jim derps it and lets the cat out of the bag. Heehaw is PISSED. Michael convinces the dumb broad to stay after showing her how to turn the TV off. If Seesaw can’t figure out a TV then s***, we don’t need you at the wedding, lady.
Andy holds a dance party in his room which, like every dance party, ends with his car keys tearing his scrotum. Pam is the only sober one in the ENTIRE hotel, so she drives him to the hospital. Meanwhile at the hotel bar, Michael and Dwight are bird-dogging chicks, which leads to one of my favorite Office scenes ever:
Dwight manages to lock up Pam’s hot cousin Isabel while Michael settles for sleeping next to the ice machine. Don’t cry for Michael. He ends up banging Pam’s mom.
When it finally came time to tie the knot, Pam has a wardrobe malfunction. Sadly, not the really fun kind (hint: boobs). Jim “Jims” it up and they run away to a boat and get married on Niagara Falls. That was cute. JAM comes back to the church for the real wedding ceremony, during which Michael orchestrated the Chris Brown “Forever” wedding entrance from the video that went viral on YouTube. It was perfect.
Then Jim follows up with this…
[drowns self in tears]
Honorable Mentions: Dwight and Angela’s wedding; Phyllis and Bob Vance’s wedding
Jesse and Becky – Full House
Let me remind you, this is the second attempt by Uncle Jesse to marry Rebecca. She left him high and dry at the FABULOUS ALI BABA HOTEL & CASINO (and Wedding Chapel) a few years earlier but this time they mean it!
Wedding preparations are underway at the Tanner household. DJ and Stephanie are storyboarding the wedding video because whatever. Michelle and Howie are reunited and IT DOES NOT GO WELL. Becky’s dad and Jesse nearly come to blows within minutes of meeting each other. All signs pointing to a happy, uneventful marriage ceremony. Did I mention Joey and Danny had their tuxedos switched? I loved this show.
Mr. Donaldson scares the Elvis-loving s*** out of Jesse telling him how his life will change after getting married. Jesse is not ready to raise a family, he’s only been doing it since the show began.
Uncle Jesse figured his balls were about to be snipped when he finally said “I Do,” so he decided the most reasonable, well thought out thing to do on one’s wedding day was to make Joey fly a small airplane and sky dive out of it. I know Joey Gladstone is a struggling comedian and jingle writer but when did he find time to acquire his pilot’s license and for what reason?
Jesse land in a tree, IN TOMATO COUNTRY mind you, and then performs the worst attempted car-jacking since I played Grand Theft Auto for the first time. Since tomato country is constantly patrolled by a large police force, Jesse gets cuffed and sent to jail. He calls Becky to bail him out.
MEANWHILE AT THE CHURCH, Michelle has dipped into the wedding cake already. That’s such a Michelle move there. Danny and Joey are tasked with stalling the wedding. They are doing a terrible job of it.
BACK AT STATE PRISON, or county jail, Becky rescues Jesse BUT THEY HAVE NO CAR WHO WOULD TOW A CAR DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF A POLICE STATION WITHOUT ASKING SOMEONE INSIDE?! A bus carrying a gospel choir is right outside the jail because of course it is. The bus, being driven by Becky at this point, gets to the church, and the ceremony is back on. Jesse invites the entire choir to sing “Forever” by the Beach Boys with him to Becky. If there’s any song an African-American choir knows by heart without practice, it’s a Beach Boys song.
RECEPTION TIME! When you realize that Jesse and Becky live off Danny in the attic with two kids for several years you’ll understand why the reception is held in the Tanner living room. Cheap bastards. The first dance is to a Jailhouse Rock remix and JEEEEESUS just hire a wedding planner you idiots.
Honorable Mention: Stephanie and Harry Takayama’s backyard wedding.
Andy and April – Parks and Recreation
April and Andy’s relationship was fun to watch develop. As soon as Ann Perkins was out of the picture, April was dropping hints and flirting with Bert Macklin any chance she got. Those crazy kids are perfect for one another.
Andy and April had only been dating for a month when they throw a “Fancy Party” and invite the rest of the Parks Department to their house. IMPORTANT: Jerry wears this shirt to the party…
Leslie discovers that the reason for the party was that Andy and April were going to have their wedding right there and then! She disapproves immediately and tries to talk both of them out of it. DOESN’T WORK.
Andy, rocking a Reggie Wayne Colts jersey, as every groom should be allowed to do, asks Tom to be his best man, a “baller position.”
Unfortunately for Tom, Andy has also asked all of his other friends as well. Tom throws an impromptu bachelor party with the help of Jean-Ralphio, who also gives the greatest best man speech advice ever:
The ceremony is short and sweet. Andy high-fives April when she gets to the altar. April says she hates most things but doesn’t hate Andy. AWWWWWWWW. You couldn’t ask for better wedding vows than what Andy follows with.
Finally, the reception brought us this gem:
Amazingly, this is only the SECOND best wedding on Parks and Recreation.
Leslie and Ben – Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation blindsided us with the Leslie and Ben wedding announcement the previous episode, and gave us near perfection. The Parks Department organized a fundraiser to raise enough money to fund the park that Leslie has dreamed of since the beginning of the show. With all their friends in one place, Ben tells Leslie that they should just get married right then and there. Leslie is all for it, but they need to scramble to make the wedding happen in the next two hours.
Everyone is charged with a different job to make this wedding a reality. Ben and Chris must find a ring. Leslie and Ann need to make a dress. April and Andy steal a marriage license from City Hall. Tom tries to become an ordained minister. Jerry pees himself at the sight of a Li’l Sebastian impersonator. I’d do the same.
Tom’s certification won’t process for 24 hours, but luckily Jerry is ordained. Tom agrees to read his part, including 20 minutes of Hitch quotes before he even says Leslie’s name, and let Jerry conduct the ceremony. Ron finds some rings off of broken light fixtures, of course, and Ann makes a dress out of documents from Leslie’s time in the Parks Department. Thanks for giving Ann something to do, writers.
The wedding is all systems go until Councilman Jamm shows up drunk and tries to ruin the wedding. Ron Swanson then punches him in the face, like only Ron Swanson could do.
In an obvious homage to the Full House wedding, Ron ends up in jail but is bailed out by Leslie and Ann. They decide it wasn’t meant to be and go back to the office for drinks. JOKES ON YOU KNOPE. Unbeknownst to Leslie, the gang has set up the wedding right in the Parks department office. [chokes up] Ron walks Leslie down the aisle, Champion is the ring bearer, and the vows are fantastic. “I love you, and I like you.”
The reception involves DJ Roomba (!) and everyone singing Andy’s Li’l Sebastian tribute, “5,000 Candles in the Wind.” Best wedding ever.
Zack and Kelly – Saved by the Bell
If there was one TV wedding that didn’t need a four-part, made-for-TV movie, it was the Zack and Kelly wedding. I had all but clocked out during the College Years, but when Zack and Kelly finally got married, it was appointment viewing.
For any TV couple to get married, I’m pretty sure Zack and Kelly were together for the least amount of time. As soon as they became a couple, Preppy dumped her for the school nurse. In Zack’s defense, when things got hot and heavy between him and Kelly, she sent him packing and chose that slimeball, Jeff. Despite Kelly whoring herself out to Professor Laskey at Cal U, the couple FINALLY realized that they were made for each other. Until the divorce 6 months later (I assume).
Zack’s dad is being a total douche and won’t help him pay for the wedding. We all know Kelly is dirt poor because of her 27 siblings. The gang decides that eloping in Las Vegas is the only option. Strap yourselves in, because there ‘bout to be some antics.
Zack, Slater and Screech make the ill-fated decision to race Kelly and Lisa to Las Vegas (Jessie is already in Vegas showing her boobies. Do I have that right? No? She’s at Columbia? Whatever.) Lisa’s car breaks down and Zack gets arrested for theft. Drive much?
With Zack, Slater and Screech in jail (WHY IS EVERYONE ARRESTED BEFORE A WEDDING?) and no way to get a car towed in the desert due to this being 1995, Kelly and Lisa resort to hitching a ride with Malibu from American Gladiators. The guys freed when the police realize they have deprived Zack and Company of every constitutional right. But hey, we’re cool, right?
Because the writers like f***ing with us, everyone reunites in Vegas just like that. What a waste of 30 minutes that was. Zack and the guys, who have clearly given this whole wedding no more than two seconds of thought, get jobs as caddies at a golf course to afford the wedding. The dudes suck at their jobs and get canned. That work ethic probably stems back to Mr. Belding letting six kids do whatever the hell they wanted in high school.
Kelly and Lisa are busy blowing all the money they don’t have while Zack, Slater and Screech get hired male escorts because of course they are and this is definitely not a kid’s show anymore. In the most Zack Morris situation ever, he attempts to have two dinner dates, one with Kelly and another with a woman he was hired to do the nasty with, AT THE SAME TIME! Hoo boy, this can not end well. SPOILER ALERT: It does not. Kelly is heated, despite forcing her fiancé into prostitution to afford her god damn wedding, and storms back to her hotel room where she has locked Zack out. Zack attempts to scale the balcony to get to Kelly.
CUT TO: Slater and his girlfriend we don’t care about get discovered by some mobsters and chased back to the hotel. Meanwhile Zack is hanging on the balcony for dear life. Kelly realizes that she should probably let Zack in the hotel room because LOOK HOW LOW THIS MAN HAS SUNK TO JUST TO DEFLOWER YOU!
A full on chase scene ensues, with the entire gang being followed by the mobsters. It includes the following predicaments: The guys abandoning Slater’s own car in the middle of the Las Vegas Strip, hiding out in a wax museum, dressing up like Showgirls (no Jessie, sadly) and eventually captured by the thugs. Remember Malibu from way earlier? Yeah, he’s been with the gang the entire time. Get some friends, dude.
The thugs are after a diamond and with Malibu’s help, the gang locks them all into a vault. Where the hell is the police presence in this town? Is it like The Purge and all crime is legal for 12 hours?
Zack and Kelly head to a wedding chapel to elope. Zack’s parents realize how irresponsible their parenting has been the last decade and stop the wedding. They support the decision but want the two to have a nice wedding. Gee, thanks Pop.
Did I mention that Gilbert Gottfried plays both a pimp and a wedding chapel owner? Felt like I needed to share that.
We find our lovebirds at a fancy, outdoor wedding with all of our SBTB favorites including Mr. Belding, Mike Rogers (since everyone invites their RA to a wedding), and Alex who surprisingly isn’t wearing a giant bird suit.
Jessie interrupts everything because she’s late and just the worst. Screech catches the bouquet, he’s sexually assaulted by a fat woman and Zack and Kelly drive off into the night.
What the hell did I just watch?
I know way too much about this stuff.