Sportswriters We Hate: Dan Shaughnessy Trolls Carmelo Anthony

SWH

Sportswriters We Hate is a series in which we mock some of today’s prominent sports writers, talking heads, radio hosts and whatever Darren Rovell is considered.  We get rather annoyed with these guys’ articles and tweets, and what better way to solve that than to mock them endlessly.

Who do we hate today?

Dan Shaughnessy

shaughnessyinseats

Dan Shaughnessy is a sportswriter for the Boston Globe.  He’s written several books. most about the Boston Red Sox or Boston Celtics.  Amongst Boston sports fans, Shaughnessy is known for being negative and critical towards the city’s biggest stars.  He’s basically Boston’s local Skip Bayless.

On the heels of the Celtics Game 1 loss to the New York Knicks, Dan felt this was a perfect time to rip Carmelo Anthony for being a bad teammate and saying he’ll never win a title, while conceding that the Knicks will still beat his Celtics.  His column doesn’t strengthen his argument, it just reminds us how goofy looking he is.

Overrated ball hog.

I see we’re starting off on the right foot here.

This is Carmelo Anthony.

And this is a knife.

dundeeknife

He doesn’t seem to be a bad guy. He is not the devil.

Aww, you say such nice things, Dan.

He’s probably going to shoot the Knicks past the Celtics in the first round of these NBA playoffs.

He certainly won’t pass the Knicks past the Celtics because that doesn’t make any sense.

But he’s not going to be an NBA champion. He’s not one of the all-time greats. He appears to be incapable of doing anything to help his team unless he has the ball in his hands.

He is incapable of helping his team unless he has the ball in his hands, which according to Dan is the entire game, sooooo he’s helping his team the entire game. Boom roasted.

freshprince

Who are the best NBA players who never passed the basketball?

Kobe has 5 championship rings.

Larry Bird and Magic Johnson made teammates better with their passing skills. LeBron James is a great passer. Even Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant gave it up once in a while.

Kobe Bryant, who scored 81 points in a game, passed “once in a while,” so he’s less of a ball hog than Melo? OK then.

Not Melo. He plays like an only child. He cannot share the ball. He knows he’s better than all of his teammates and he plays like a man intent on doing it all by himself. He either has the basketball, or he’s demanding the basketball.

Carmelo Anthony is the best player on the Knicks.  The best player generally takes the most shots and has an offense centered around him.  That style of play won the Atlantic Division for the first time in 20 years.  What’s the problem?

The Knicks’ offense is Melo pounding, and four guys standing around watching.

That’s also Melo’s bedroom.

oh snap

Melo’s 36-point, one-assist performance in Saturday’s 85-78 Game 1 tractor-pull/victory over the Celtics was a perfect demonstration of Anthony’s amazing skills and his eternal limitations. He burst from the gate, draining his first four shots. Then he missed 15 of 20 shots. Then he came back, making four of his last five. He hoisted 29 shots and didn’t pass for a basket until he fired a bullet to Kenyon Martin in the final minute of play.

Anyone that watched Game 1 can attest that nobody could make a shot, even on passes from Melo.

This is one of the reasons Anthony’s teams have lost in the first round of the playoffs in eight of the nine times he has been in the postseason.

He’s never missed the playoffs in his career and got to the Western Conference Finals.  It’s not a great playoff history but it’s better than most.

Anthony led the NBA in scoring average this season with 28.7 points per game, while averaging a career-low 2.6 assists. Saturday he had one assist for every 29 shots and missed 16 shots.

Dan acts as if 45% shooting is such a bad thing. The definition of cherry-picking a statistic right there.

In many ways, this makes him the perfect face of the 2012-13 Knicks.

This is the face of the 2012-13 Knicks:

woodyshirt

There is a sense of desperation about this New York basketball team. Today’s Knicks have a lot of veterans and played well at the end of this regular season. It was the Knicks’ best regular season in a decade and a half. The Knicks play in a fabled arena and have fans who know basketball and love the game. But the Knicks haven’t won a playoff series since 2000.

I don’t know, I just get the feeling that Dan doesn’t like the Knicks.

They know they should beat the Celtics — who have lost (including Saturday) 7 of 10 and 12 of their last 18 games.

Dan Shaughnessy would also like to point out that the Celtics lost 100% of their last game.

Melo’s one-on-one style infects his teammates and it makes these Knicks the antithesis of the 1970s Knicks teams, which featured moving without the ball, pick-and-rolls, backdoor cuts, and hitting the open man.

There’s a lot more to the Knicks offense than Carmelo dribbling for 23 seconds and hoisting up a shot.  J.R. Smith shoots it too.

It’s hard to imagine Anthony blending with Bill Bradley, Dave DeBusschere, and Willis Reed.

That would be the worst tasting milkshake ever.

The 1970s Knicks were the Supremes. Today’s Knicks are Diana Ross and the Supremes.

TIMELY! Weren’t Diana Ross and the Supremes a lot better anyways?

diana-ross-o

And Melo is the Supreme Diva.

Dan is the Supreme A**hole.

The Celtics bumped him out of his rhythm after his early flurry in Game 1, but coach Doc Rivers was taking no bows for superior defense on Anthony.

Probably because he scored 36 points and in no terms would that be superior defense.

“He made three shots that only him, and Paul [Pierce], maybe you could name 10 guys who could make those shots,’’ Rivers said Sunday at the Celtics’ swank hotel in New York. (The Celtics are sharing hotel space with the Chicago Bulls, who were spanked by the Nets Saturday night.)

Why does he mention the nice hotel the Celtics are staying in?  Could it possibly be that Dan couldn’t get a room there and he’s still bitter about it?

Worth noting that two NBA teams are staying at the same hotel.  Do you think they pull pranks on each other? Like, does Kevin Garnett order some hookers and send them to Nate Robinson’s room?  Does he do that regardless of where the Bulls are?

Everybody in New York tips their cap to Melo. For a guy who’s never won anything in the pros — playing for a franchise that hasn’t won a championship since 1973 — Anthony is wildly popular.

The backhanded compliments keep on coming.  He did win two gold medals for AMERICA but Dan thinks the United States border looks like this:

sic-massachusetts

He’s cooperative with the media and has demonstrated proper respect toward former Knicks great Bernard King — the best player on the Knicks team that pushed Larry Bird’s championship Celtics to seven games in a conference semifinal series in 1984.

Such a Diva.

“Boston knows Melo and knows he is not going anywhere,’’ Knicks coach Mike Woodson said. “They are going to be making it as tough as possible for him to score the ball. When we got into a tough stretch, he made the plays we needed him to make. That’s what the great ones do.”

His coach called him great so you better write another column about that one Dan.

The true greats win championships. The overrated ball hogs do not.

Except Kobe. ‘Cause seriously.kobe-hilariously-confused-reaction-gif

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