Oscar Real Talk: Are Any of these Movies Actually Better than Space Jam?

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For our first foray we’ll do some deep digging into this year’s Oscar nominations and selections, and we’ll answer the important questions like who will win, who should win, and, on a scale of 1 to Space Jam, just how good are these movies? ‘Cause if they ain’t better than Space Jam, why bother?

Let’s answer the most important question first. There are nine movies nominated for Best Picture this year, which means we’ve got nine contenders locking eyes with our beloved Tune Squad from their corner across the ring. In alphabetical order our challengers are:

Amour: NOPE. Foreign Language film. Automatic DQ. Even Taz spoke a little English.
Verdict: Space Jam

Argo: Listen, I had a joke about how Space Jam’s soundtrack > Argo‘s soundtrack, but Argo is a masterpiece, and I can’t in good conscience tell you Space Jam is a better movie.
Verdict: Argo

Beasts of the Southern Wild: Personally I enjoyed the Beasts of Moron Mountain more.
Verdict: Space Jam

Django Unchained: You didn’t realize it until right now, but Django and Space Jam are mirror images. Good tunes? Check. Anti-slavery? Check. The most fun in the world? CHECK PLUS. A tie if there ever was one.
Verdict: Draw

Les Miserables: ERMAHGERD we get it you sung your songs live. Enough already. Did Russell Crowe even audition for that role? I just ended up feeling sorry for him. Look at that face. He’s bad he knows it.
Verdict: Space Jam

Life of Pi: No thanks.
Verdict: Space Jam

Lincoln: Lord, Lincoln is just the worst. Ever have a friend or colleague who’s really good at something but is really annoying about it? That’s Lincoln. It’s like, “Here is our movie it’s called Lincoln it’s about Abe Lincoln this is important are you paying attention?” And then BAAA DEEEE DOOOOO DAAAA DOOOO you get John Williams’ music stuffed up your butt to reinforce the importance of its importance. There’s a scene in which a black soldier recites the Gettysburg Address to Lincoln himself which, okay, if that really happened then history is super cheesy.
Verdict: Space Jam, and honestly, everything else too.

Silver Linings Playbook: Tough call. At the molecular level Silver Linings Playbook has a basic rom-com formula yet it still gets everywhere it goes without being predictable. I’ll go with a surprise here and say I’d rather watch Jennifer Lawrence dance around in a bra than watch the Looney Tunes play basketball.
Verdict: Silver Linings Playbook

Zero Dark Thirty: The last thirty minutes of Zero Dark Thirty were the best movie of the year.
Verdict: Zero Dark Thirty

Now, on to the predictions for the Oscar categories that actually matter.

Best Supporting Actress

Will win: Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Should win: Anne Hathaway’s butt, The Dark Knight Rises

Hathaway’s part in Les Mis was just about ten minutes long, but it might have been the finest ten minutes of acting this year. But… that booty did not quit in that catwoman suit. So that’s my pick.

Best Supporting Actor

Will win: Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Should win: Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained

I honestly have no clue who is going to win this one. It’s a three horse race between Waltz, Robert De Niro, and Tommy Lee Jones. Jones was the pick when Lincoln came out, but he just doesn’t give a shit about campaigning so it’s my guess he’ll lose out to Waltz, who is everywhere these days. And doesn’t everyone love a little Christoph Waltz?

Best Actress

Will win: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Should win: Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty

I’m cool with J-La winning this. It’s the kind of layered performance the Academy loves. But I liked Chastain just a little bit more. She brought everything and more to a role that had really nothing for her to work with. No backstory, no family, no love life. Just a girl with a job, and she rocked that bitch.

Best Actor

Will win: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Should win: Joaquin Phoenix, The Master

It is my opinion that what Daniel Day-Lewis does is not acting. This man prepares for roles by actually imagining himself to be the person he is playing. Refusing to come out of character off camera, he even sent texts as Abe Lincoln and made Director Steven Spielberg address him as “Mr. President”. That’s not acting, that’s just being a crazy person. Phoenix, on the other hand, had the most disturbing, stirring, thought-provoking performance I’ve seen in years. It’s too bad the Academy didn’t see it.

Best Director

Will Win: Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Should Win: Anyone else, literally

This is the most comically bad list of nominees the Academy has ever picked. Leaving out Kathryn Bigelow and Quentin Tarantino for Zero Dark Thirty and Django Unchained would be considered snubs. Leaving out Ben Affleck for Argo is a f***ing travesty.

Best Picture

Will Win: Argo
Should Win: Zero Dark Thirty

I can’t tell you how much I’ve agonized over which of these two I liked better. I’ve seen each of them four times and it’s a razor thin margin for me. Argo has all the buzz at the moment, which is fine. It’s a better movie than Lincoln. But tell me the last time you knew the ending to a movie like you did Zero Dark Thirty and yet you were still on the edge of your seat? The last forty or so minutes of ZDT were pretty much perfection in direction and execution.

Best Original Song

Will win: ‘Skyfall’, Adele, Skyfall
Should win: ‘100 Black Coffins’, Rick Ross, Django Unchained

This was Adele’s award the moment ‘Skyfall’ hit the airwaves. Rick Ross didn’t even get nominated my friends. Not even on the list. I’d like to give him his moment here.