Video Village is a regular Aggro Swag feature in which we break down important YouTube videos in our nation’s illustrious history. 90% of these videos will involve cats. 100% if I get my way.
If you haven’t noticed, we here at Aggro Swag love us some Nickelodeon GUTS. I would gladly pay Mike O’Malley to narrate my life and give me one of those wacky nicknames.
“He’s 25 years old and from upstate New York. Give it up for TASTY T-BONE!”
It doesn’t even make sense and yet I love it. Probably grasping at straws, though. I bet he’s hard at work on the Yes, Dear movie.
GUTS was perfect. The games were far too difficult for most contestants and the final event involved climbing a plexiglass mountain fitted with twenty fog machines. Mike O’Malley makes Gus Johnson seem calm and sedated. Then we have Moe, the British referee. Moe had the thankless job of explaining the rules, keeping score, awarding medals and taking O’Malley’s screaming in stride. God bless her.
Which brings me to good ol’ JR and Peaches. What’s so special about these kids? Well, they might be the worst contestants to ever appear on GUTS, and quite possibly every game show ever*.
*Save your Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, and Price is Right video rebuttals.
Now I don’t expect you to watch this whole episode of GUTS (although why the hell wouldn’t you?), so I’m going to break down the most important moments from our two heroes.
0:00 – The GUTS theme belongs in the Television Hall of Fame. It won’t be because it was definitely juicing. I can totally see a cranky old sportswriter tirelessly debating the merits of including this theme song into a fictional Hall of Fame I just made up.
0:21 – JR’s competition is Peach and Jen? I’m no misogynist but JR is a man and science says he should win.
0:43 – O’Malley’s nickname for JR is “Baby D.” Of course it is.
1:20 – Each player will have stunt coordinators and spotters to make sure they are safe. The last thing we want is ANOTHER dead kid as a result of the Zero G event.1:45 – Our first MOE sighting. Moira Quirk. QUIRKY.
EVENT 1 – SLAM DUNK
2:00 – OK, not to sound stereotypical (stereotype in 3…2…1..), but JR should be awesome at this event.
2:33 – I just want to say how grateful I am that JR drew Kenny G as his spotter this afternoon.
2:50 – As expected, JR is off to a sizzling start.
3:12 – WAIT, WHEN DID JEN MAKE SIX?! Damnit, JR. This was your event baby!
4:00 – Looks like that peach has gone bad [rimshot].
EVENT 2 – BASIC TRAINING
5:55 – Peach is terrible.
6:36 – Jen finishes the event twice as fast as Peach. This will be a theme.
6:50 – JR just hurls himself into the cargo net. He’s a fish out of water right now.
7:20 – You’re high if you think I’m going to comment on JR’s performance in the jungle. NOT GOING TO DO IT.
EVENT 3 – WAVE RUNNER
8:55 – [looks at the pool, looks at JR, shakes head]
9:10 – Alright, so it’s not a swimming competition. JR still has a chance. Peach is as good as drowned.
9:50 – Shout out to Peach for the “gently dipping each end of the paddle into the water” kayaking technique. Not effective but adorable nonetheless.
10:15 – Oh god, there’s a 60 second time limit. The spotters dragging her to the end is the saddest thing ever.
10:19 – “She is adrift and lost in the middle of our ocean” [cries]
11:35 – If JR’s attempt to just get into the raft is any indication, we’re in for a long 60 seconds.
11:42 – [dies]
11:57 – JR, if you keep reaching for that pole you’re going to…
12:00 – ❤
12:20 – The spotters are turning him back. Just get this kid out of the pool alive.
12:58 – Jen and Peach have a nice laugh at JR’s expense. Don’t even start with me, Peach.
13:30 – JR is a football star, according to JR. I really find that hard to believe.
EVENT 4 – JUMP! JUMP!
14:40 – Peach is surprisingly adequate at this game. Why is there no Kriss Kross blasting throughout the arena during “JUMP! JUMP!”?
15:43 – Jen took her foot off the pedal for this one. She’s got a mountain to climb soon.
16:17 – OK, so the pool was a bit of a hiccup for JR. Jumping shouldn’t be an issue…
16:24 – Oh god.
16:28 – JR thinks flapping his arms like a bird will make him fly. YOU ARE NOT A BIRD, JR.
16:39 – The spin move is unnecessary, and yet SO necessary.
16:49 – JR don’t give a f— about those bars.
SIDENOTE: Does GUTS let these kids practice the events beforehand? Because JEEESUS…
17:08 – He looked like a baby frog learning to jump for the first time.
18:01 – Jen is going to win it all, that much we know. The battle for last is where the real intrigue is.
19:05 – “Not letting a couple rubber bands stop him from getting his way” – That’s about the only thing that couldn’t stop JR. Water and gravity be damned.
FINAL EVENT – THE AGGRO CRAG
19:25 – “A lot of surprises for our players” – Yeah, wait until the next episode when the contestants find JR’s frostbitten body on that mountain.
20:30 – JR off to a great start. He’s not really going to lose to Peach…
20:37 – Aaaaaand he’s already screwed up the game.
20:43 – “He missed the second actuator. He has not been notified yet.” – WHERE ARE YOU KENNY G?!?!
20:50 – “And the rocks falling on Peach” – She might be dead, you guys.
21:00 – Jen wins but who cares? Back to the derping down below.
21:15 – JR somehow climbed the mountain twice and we’ve yet to receive visual confirmation that Peach is alive. Not looking good, folks.
21:30 – JR and Peach, no one is cheering for you. Stop waving!
22:29 – “I think it’s pretty clear who won today” – YEAH NO KIDDING.
22:35 – So there you have it. JR barely beat both Peach and a lifetime of humiliation from his friends. However, there’s no denying that they are both the absolute worst. His friends better still give him s— for this.
I miss this show.