The Baseball Movie Fantasy Draft

Opening Day of the 2012 baseball season is here.  I refuse to count the A’s-Mariners series in Japan while we’re sleeping as the official start of MLB.  To honor America’s once favorite pastime, Haggleman Mondays and Jeezy Sanchez decided to have a fantasy baseball draft.  This one is a little different.  Instead of current players, we will draft players from baseball movies.  Some ground rules were established before the draft began.

  1. Fictional players only – Ken Griffey Jr. from Little Big League is off limits.  Simply too good.  Although much like his real-life counterpart, I didn’t think movie-Griffey lived up to his potential.
  2. Positions for some players are flexible – For instance, Benny “The Jet” Rodriquez ONLY hit in The Sandlot.  Even against the preppy kids, we never saw him in the field.  If both sides agree, utility players can be plugged in or selected as Designated Hitters.
  3. This is a fantasy draft – We aren’t drafting our favorite characters, we are drafting the best players, and who would put up the best stats.  Squints is my idol, but he ain’t touching the field for my team.
  4. Draft format– Alternating between picks, each team will select 20 characters.  The breakdown will be like so:
    1. C, 1B, 2B, SS, 3B, OF (3x), and DH
    2. 6 Pitchers
    3. 3 Bench players
    4. 1 Manager
    5. 1 Play-by-Play guy
  5. Movies only – Sorry, but Kenny F***ing Powers is not walking through that door.

The Aggro Swag Baseball Movie Fantasy Draft took 8 days to complete.  There was a lot of cursing, a few tears, and more than a couple IMDB searches. Play Ball!

Jeezy Sanchez: Pick #1 – Roy Hobbs, The Natural – OF

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Having the first pick put me in a tough situation.  Are there other players here that I like more? Sure. But when you get the #1 pick in any draft, you take the best available player.  Unless you’re the Portland Trail Blazers.  Oden over Durant? Come on.  Hobbs is the natural choice here (see what I did there?).  Some people may want to build a team around a pitching ace.  Not me.  I want runs.  Hobbs is the best pure hitter available.  Hobbs’ skipper, Pop, tells him to hit the cover off the ball.  Roy responds by LITERALLY hitting the cover off the ball! Any player that can battle through a gunshot wound to hit a light-smashing walk-off home run to win the pennant gets my approval.  My team is going to have a flair for the dramatics.  In a pinch, I could even get a few innings out of him on the mound.  I bet The Whammer would agree with me.

Haggleman Mondays: Pick #2 – Rex (T-Rex) Pennebaker, Mr. 3000 – OF

Well, Jeezy went best available and took Hobbs. That’s a no-brainer. The real fun starts at pick #2, and while I may have a character problem on my hands, this is fantasy, and I’m just looking for a stat filler. T-Rex was a dick, but the guy could MASH. He’s going to get me homers, RBIs, solid average, and even some steals. I’m basically getting a more modern version of The Natural. It’s also a win for T-Rex, as he can finally play on a team where his goal is higher than 3rd place (It’s a two-team league).

Jeezy: Pick #3 – Marla Hooch, A League of Their Own – 2B

Haggleman’s pick shows me he means business.  When you’re dipping into Mr. 3000 territory in Round 1, I know you’re not messing around.  As I look at the big board, I notice that some positions are paper thin.  Second base is certainly one of them.  Not since Aaron Hill have I lucked out with a stat-stuffing second baseman in a fantasy baseball draft.  Until now.  Marla Hooch…what a hitter.  She can rake from either side of the plate, making her a matchup nightmare.  Oh, but she’s a girl you say? Have you seen her? My team’s only requirement is a lot of night games.  At this point, my biggest dilemma with her and Hobbs is who bats cleanup.

Haggleman: Pick #4 – Dottie Hinson, A League of Their Own – C

[whistles]

Nothing but respect for that pick from Jeezy. I was hesitant and wondered when the run on the girls would start but Jeezy just busted the door down. I’m concerned here about how little actual talent is available. Just how were these fictional teams good?  No offense ladies, but if Jeezy and I go back to back girl picks in Round 2, then I think we have some real problems in these movies. Anyway, even though catcher is deep I think Hinson is the best available. She’s a pure hitter, and was considered the best player in the league multiple times throughout her movie. Can you say the same about Jack Parkman? Didn’t think so. I’m not scared away by any issues of effort either. Though she quit after one season, she always gave it her all between the lines.

Jeezy: Pick #5 – Willie Mays Hayes, Major League – OF

I had a sneaking suspicion that Haggleman would go Dottie at some point, the dude loves fundamentals.  Hinson will call a solid game from behind the plate.  She’s like Jason Varitek but throws and hits way better.  Haggs is right, the catcher position IS deep, and so I can afford to look elsewhere for the time being.  At this point, I have a ton of power, but no speed.  That’s where Willie Mays Hayes comes in.  He’ll get on base, and then steal every damn one of them.  He bought 100 pairs of batting gloves for a reason.  Hayes may have hidden power, but that’s not what I’m after.  Let’s look at the facts:  He won a race in his pajamas against two guys who had a head start, scored from second on a BUNT, AND starred in a movie with Jesse “The Body” Ventura.  Can’t ask for much more than that from your leadoff hitter.

Haggleman: Pick #6 – Ray Mitchell, Angels in the Outfield – OF

I like Mitchell’s bat enough to consider him a 3rd rounder. Despite what J.P. thought he saw, Mitchell never needed the help of divine intervention. George Knox nearly caused a riot when he inserted Danny Hemmerling for Mitchell so that gives you an idea of what kind of pop Mitchell has.

If the only reason to replace a hitter is an act of God, then I like my chances with that type of ability.  3rd base is pretty rich with talent, but Mitchell is the cream of the crop

Jeezy: Pick #7 – Clu Haywood, Major League – 1B

Haggleman pulls an Al Davis and REACHES for Mitchell.  Can’t argue with angels though, he might be on to something.  Looking at my team, I feel like I need an antagonist, too many good guys.  I’ve had my eye on Clu Haywood since the start.  He has quietly made it past the first 3 rounds, and I don’t want to blow my chances.  Here’s our first legitimate Triple-Crown threat of the draft.  He led the league in every offensive category, including nose hairs.  In just 4 rounds I’ve created a murderers’ row at the top of my lineup.  There’s just something about him.  Maybe it’s that incredible mustache, or his line to Jake Taylor, “How’s your wife and MY kids?” but I’m grabbing Haywood now before it’s too late.

Haggleman: Pick #8 – Lou Collins, Little Big League – 1B

Methinks Jeezy will take back his “reach” comment when he sees what is available at 3rd. Sure he can get a solid average guy in Roger Dorn, but homers are what run the league, and Doris Murphy ain’t going to get you more than 15 bombs. After all, she was only the 4th best player on her own team. I can’t believe he went with Haywood at first over Lou Collins. How good was Lou Collins exactly? Good enough to be relevant on multiple baseball movie platforms. First, Collins was the Twins’ star in Little Big League, someone who can hit .300 while knocking out 20+ homers. BUT ALSO, not many people notice a reference to Collins in an entirely different franchise, Major League. In the third installment, Back to the Minors, Collins’ jersey hangs in Roger Dorn’s owner’s box in Minnesota. If that’s not proof that I’m getting a franchise star, I don’t know what is.

Jeezy: Pick #9 – Kelly Leak, Bad News Bears – OF

Wow, Lou Collins is a heady pick.  I want to hate it, but I just can’t do it. Instead, I’m taking one of the most talented Little Leaguers in history, Kelly Leak.  Good luck finding a gap in a Hobbs, Hayes, Leak outfield.  His glove is great, but his bat is even better.  I’m pretty sure the first intentional walk in Little League Baseball was given to Leak.  This kid’s power was for real.  He consistently banged out 400 foot bombs with the greatest of ease.  I’ll have to work with him on that smoking problem of his, and I’m no fan of Leak riding a motorcycle without a helmet.  There’s only one hiccup in drafting Leak.  He’ll only play for Team Sanchez if I beat him at air hockey.  He can’t be THAT good at it.

Haggleman: Pick #10 – Bobby Rayburn, The Fan – OF

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Bobby Rayburn’s resume should read – “Good enough that a fan murdered my teammate because he was making me look bad.” That’s it. When you cause an obsession so deep that drives someone to murder and kidnap, you can play for me any day. Rayburn is also a 3-time MVP, so I like what he’ll give me offensively. I believe we now have all of the Wesley Snipes characters off the board, and while this version may not be as adept at getting steals, I like his bat a lot better.

Jeezy: Pick #11 – Jack Parkman, Major League II – C

Hard to believe we’ve taken 2 more Wesley Snipes characters than we have Kevin Costners after 10 picks.  Still have some big names available.  I’m finally grabbing the catcher I’ve wanted since the draft began.  Jack Parkman.  The shimmy alone drives the women in Cleveland crazy.  The talent is there, and I’ll take talent over temper every time.  Parkman strikes fear in pitchers, and a power-hitting catcher is a rare find.  With a lefty Hobbs, switch-hitting Hooch, and righty sluggers Haywood, Leak and Parkman, I’ll be able to have the balanced lineup Terry Francona always dreamt of.  I’m not as confident in his ability to call a game behind the plate, but Parkman is adequate enough to get my offensive juggernaut through 9.  He’s still a dick.

Haggleman: Pick #12 – Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh, Bull Durham – SP

Just like Rick Vaughn (coming soon), I wanted Parkman. But Jeezy grabbed him and now I’ll take the first pitcher off the board. At this point I’m genuinely excited about this draft. Seeing LaLoosh available is like stumbling in to Roy Halladay in a real draft. Pure joy. Sure Nuke won’t help the WHIP much, but I want strikeouts from my ace, and Nuke will deliver. Loosely based on Steve Dalkowski (it is believed he threw 120 mph), LaLoosh can throw GAS. And since we’re projecting these players at their peaks, I don’t have many worries about his maturity. By the end of Bull Durham, Nuke was all grown up and taking the advice of his former battery mate Crash Davis. Shoutout to my fans hanging those Ks in NuKKKKKKKe.

Jeezy: Pick #13 – Steve Nebraska, The Scout – SP

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And with that, the run on pitchers officially begins.  Much respect for Haggs on that one, LaLoosh is arguably the crown jewel of movie pitchers.  The pressure is on now.  I’ve got to be able to trot a starter out to the mound that can compete with Nuke.  I think I’ve got just the guy to do it.  Steve Nebraska may be the greatest movie pitcher EVER, and I’m willing to bet half of you have to Google him while reading this.  Let me paint a picture for you.  He was discovered in Mexico throwing 109 MPH. One hundred nine miles per hour!  Nebraska consistently topped 100 on every fastball. He’s an absolute stud, in every sense of the word.  He’s no slouch as a hitter either.  Nebraska’s WHIP will make baseball nerds cry tears of joy, seeing as he threw a perfect game in Game 1 of the f’n World Series…ON 81 PITCHES! 27 strikeouts!  All while being diagnosed as certifiably crazy by doctors.  Sounds like a perfect fit to Team Jeezy.

Haggleman: Pick #14 – Billy ‘Downtown’ Anderson, Major League: Back to the Minors – OF

OH MY GOSH HE PICKED STEVE NEBRASKA AKA GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE AKA ENCINO MAN. Game. On. The aces are off the board, so I can wait a few picks before I go back to the pitching well. I really need more hitting! That’s why I’m snatching up Mr. Downtown before Jeezy gets his grubby little hands on him. They call him ‘Downtown’ because that’s what he does, hits it downtown. And in some circumstances, he even hits it to another zip code. Sure he struggled a bit in the Majors to start, but who doesn’t?! Not everyone can be John Olerud, guys. I’m taking In His Prime Downtown Anderson, which means I’m getting the very best of Walton Goggins. My outfield is filled, and it’s filled with BOOMSTICKS.

Jeezy: Pick #15 – Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez, The Sandlot – SS

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Well it’s about time Haggleman went with a Major League 3 player.  He knows more about that movie than Scott Bakula himself (look it up, jabroni).  Frankly I’m shocked that The Jet has fallen into my lap at #15 (They say the Jet has lost a step or two).  He’s like Roy Hobbs, Jr.  Rodriguez is the ultimate team player, exactly what I need to counteract my Parkman and Haywood selections.  The Jet took a young kid, taught him the game of baseball, and turned him into an above average baseball player in the span of a FEW WEEKS!  Scotty Smalls literally could not throw a baseball, and the Jet fixed that.  Benny has unmatchable speed.  I’ll have plenty of swiped bags from him, but more importantly, he’ll be turning singles into doubles and doubles into triples.  Have you ever seen him NOT escape a pickle? Me neither.  He outran a dog in PF Flyers!  I haven’t even mentioned his hitting prowess.  He can smack the ball to any side of the field, but most likely he’ll just send it out of the park.  He doesn’t have a position because he’s always hitting the piss out of the ball. Therefore, I’m going to put the ultimate utility man at shortstop, because there’s no way he can’t flash the leather there.

Haggleman: Pick #16 – Stan Ross, Mr. 3000 – DH/1B

“Can’t go wrong with a Hall of Famer as your 8th pick”, I always say. Mr. Stan Ross, aka, Mr. 2,997, should shore up my DH spot and give me some serious help with RBIs and batting average. Any dingerz he can throw in there are just an added bonus. Was this the worst baseball movie ever? Answer: Summer Catch.

Sidenote: Bernie Mac’s death was never mourned more than it was in Jeezy Sanchez and Haggleman Monday’s dorm room. RIP the Bern, we’ll miss your timely jokes and your untimely movies.

Further Sidenote:  We NEED to talk about this picture.

My favorite part is “the Greatest Fallen Comedian of All Time”. Seriously bro, Greg Giraldo is dead too. Second Greatest at BEST.

Jeezy: Pick #17 – Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn, Major League – CP

There’s only one character left in the Green Room at pick #17, and no it’s not Brady Quinn.  The most famous movie baseball player has been in a freefall since the start of the draft, but he’s not going to drop any farther.  Wait, did you hear that?

[Guitar riff]

My god, THAT’S RICK VAUGHN’S MUSIC!  Wild Thing is my prized closer.  I’m all about fanfare, and boy does Vaughn have a lot of that.  He had entrance music before entrance music was cool.  Coming out of the California Penal League, Vaughn went from obscurity to the most feared closer in the game.  At his peak, Vaughn is unhittable.  To heck with the signs, Ricky. Fastball.  Fastball.  Fastball.  That’s all you’re getting, you know it, and yet you can’t hit it.  The strikeouts are there and the saves are a lock.  Anything less, is uncivilized.

Fun fact:  In his pre-draft interview, I asked Vaughn who he wanted on his team for this draft. He kept giving me the same answer: “I want Parkman”.  He got his wish.

Haggleman: Pick #18 – Chet Steadman, Rookie of the Year – SP


When pick I Chet, I’m assuming I’m NOT getting the tired, downtrodden, messy Old Chet Steadman. I want the young Chet, the Rocket! Maybe if that old stuffy manager didn’t force him to start EVERY DAY he’d still have an arm left. If I were Chet, I would have gone all mutiny on that manager. A complete game every day? No thank you very much, guy. I will sit here and eat THE BEST SALISBURY STEAK I EVER HAD and you will not interrupt me on my day off.

Where was I? Oh yeah, young Chet Steadman. This version was good enough to be Henry Rosenbagger’s hero, and he was nicknamed “Rocket”. I like the way my rotation is filling out now with Nuke and Rocket. Ks, Ks, and more Ks.

Jeezy: Pick #19 – Billy Chapel, For Love of the Game – SP

Steadman? Stick a fork in him, he’s done.  I HAVE to get another starter to compete with that rotation though.  Billy Chapel was a late addition to the player pool, mostly because For Love of the Game was an enormous piece of shit.  I’ll look past that and take Chapel’s surefire Hall of Fame career as my second starting pitcher.  In his worst and final season, he still manages to throw a perfect game at Yankee Stadium, while barely paying any attention to the fact that he was PITCHING IN A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL GAME!  That’s talent any way you slice it.  He’ll give me a quality start every time he takes the mound, and that’s really all I can ask for from my #2 starter.  His actions off the field concern me; I don’t want my pitcher an emotional wreck during every god damn start.

Haggleman: Pick #20 – Mickey Dominguez, Summer Catch – 2B

My middle infield is BARREN. So let’s fill second base with the best available, Fez. Summer Catch was straight up terrible, so I’ll sum it up for you in a rambling sentence: Freddie Prinze is good at pitching but then not so good Jessica Biel in a bikini no hitter. That’s all you need. I go to the Cape every year to catch a game or two, and hey, they really are the best college players in the country. So I’ll assume Mickey Dominguez can at least get on base and steal some bags. Am I reaching? Hint: I picked a player from Summer Catch. I fully expect Jeezy to blast this pick, to which I will respond: “You bob for apples in the toilet, AND YOU LIKE IT.” Wrong movie, but so what.

Jeezy: Pick #21 – Pedro Cerrano, Major League – DH/OF

“You mix your Wheaties with your momma’s toe jam!” Oh, are we done quoting that Sandlot scene? I hate the pick, but when you look at the available second basement in this draft, Haggleman doesn’t have much to work with. I’m avoiding the Third Base position like Pee Wee Herman avoids snakes in a pet store fire. I still need a DH, and the big man just adds to my embarrassment of riches in the HR department. I’m expecting strikeouts, but nothing like Mark Reynolds numbers from Cerrano. He like Straightball very much, but bats are afraid of Curveball. I’m comfortable in taking Pedro now that he’s got his marbles, and he’s one hell of a bat to have at the bottom of any lineup. We are halfway through and you may be asking yourself who is winning the draft so far. After this pick? Look at the SCORE. BOARD. NOW. GRASSHOPPER.

Haggleman: Pick #22 – Mel Clark, Angels in the Outfield – SP

I mean, every time I think I’ve gotten somewhere, Jeezy Sanchez one-ups me like it’s a god damn sport. BRAVO, jerkface. Moving to my pick, Mel Clark is mad dead, yo. He “used to be” Mel Clark, I guess, right J.P? Cancer struck him down like it was a lightning bolt straight outta Compton. So first things first, RIP. But if we’re considering “Alive Mel Clark”? Hell, that guy is an ace. Pumping pain pills or not, he can strike you out with six different pitches while lighting up his stogies in the dugout. Plus, he’s got Angels on his side, too. Real ones without their training wings that can do things and stuff! Except, one of my problems with Angels in the Outfield is that the head angel KNEW when Mel Clark was going to die. Just who were you AL? A real angel? Or were you DEATH himself? Troubling. I’m just looking out for the kiddos. I’d prefer Disney not deceive anyone.

Jeezy: Pick #23 – Kenny DeNunez, The Sandlot – SP

Good for me:  Haggs is already drafting dead guys and we still have lots of picks left.  Here’s the thing about Kenny.  He was never allowed to hit in the Sandlot.  Was it because he’s black?  Who knows, the sixties were a strange time in America.  But the answer is yes, it was because he’s black.  Still, day in and day out, DeNunez took the bump, threw ALL day, and didn’t complain once.  He’s way more than just Benny the Jet’s glorified BP pitcher.  At the end of The Sandlot, we learn that Kenny made it to Triple-A ball.  I can only assume it was The Man keeping him from getting to the big leagues.  I know the kid can last too.  Anyone with the Paul Byrd windup is going to have some serious longevity.

Haggleman: Pick #24 – Henry Rowengartner, Rookie of the Year – CP

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Rosenbagger? Gardenhoser? Rabblerouser? Yeah, give me that guy. He may just be the best closer in this draft. As long as he finds his “have-to”, he’ll be untouchable. It’s important to me that I have Steadman and Rowengartner on the same team. I couldn’t bear it if those two were separated. [noogies] Of course there’s the whole issue of whether or not he has that 100 mph arm strength, but I have confidence in my training staff. Plus, the kid proved he can get outs through deception. And the best thing for my new closer is that renowned power hitter/lumberjack/maybe cannibal Butch Heddo is not in this draft. That’s huge.

Jeezy: Pick #25 – Whitt Bass, Angels in the Outfield – SP

HEY HENRY! YOU SUUUUUUUCK!  Damn did I want Rowengartner.  Could you imagine him as Vaughn’s set-up man?  Wouldn’t even need to play the 8th and 9th innings.  Ah well, I’ve got to grab another pitcher while I still can.  My pick is a total FU move to Mondays, because Bass is his boy.  He’s got smoke coming out of his ears just reading this.  Despite his 2-11 record B.A. (Before Angels), Bass still has some nasty stuff.  If you thought the Wild Thing had a good entrance, he’s got nothing on Whitt.  I mean, where do you think Heath Bell learned this from.  He does it all.  We’ve seen him lick dirt, eat bugs, and floss his catcher’s teeth IN the dugout.  His nuances between each pitch are annoying, but it’s all a mind game to get into the batter’s head.  Plus, I get angels with this pick.  I’m not going to let Haggleman load up on Heaven’s whole roster.

Haggleman: Pick #26 – Hog Ellis, Major League: Back to the Minors – SP

There are a lot plot holes in all of these movies, but Major League: Back to the Minors may be the HOLIEST of them all. Hog Ellis had only one pitch. Granted, that pitch was a 100 mph fastball, but you get the point. He was an ace, and he was just pumping fastballs like they were Mel Clark’s pain pills. And then he was able to shut down the MINNESOTA TWINS using an arsenal of one pitch. When he finally learned how to throw a curve (shoutout Doc Windgate), it was nastier than any whiffleball curve I’ve ever seen. That was such a poor CGI effort. Come on, Warner Brothers, you couldn’t shell out a little extra dough for this one? Just enough to make Hog look respectable? In the end, I don’t know if Hog ever made it to the Show, but he did strike out Carlos Liston, which was a show in itself. I’m happy to have him as the back end of my rotation.

Jeezy: Pick #27 – Eddie Harris, Major League – SP

Every team needs that forty-something pitcher to throw out there and eat up innings, regardless of how slow and ineffective he is, right?  Or maybe that’s just Tim Wakefield and the 2011 Boston Red Sox.  Anyways, my last starting pitcher is Eddie Harris.  What he lacks in talent, Harris makes up for it in deception and general trickery.  Crisco, Bardol, Vagisil, you name it.  It’s not cheating if you don’t get caught.  That might have to be my team’s motto.  Eddie is a crafty veteran who will certainly get me some quality starts and a decent strikeout rate.  Worst case scenario he’s my go-to for mop up duty.  Just one side note.  Could the producers of Major League have cast a worse actor to play a pitcher than the guy who plays Eddie Harris?  I hope that movie’s editor was given a hefty raise for making him look passable as an athlete.  The pitching staff is now complete.  Up your butt, Jobu.

Haggleman: Pick #28 – Jack Elliot, Mr. Baseball – Bench/1B

I still don’t have a shortstop, but did you think I could pass up Tom Selleck and the asian sensation mustache he sports? No way. It’s surprising to me that he got sent to Japan. I mean, an NL team could have really used him. He did lead the league in doubles the previous August, you know. So basically, what I’m telling you is, someone decided to make a movie about John Olerud’s career, just ahead of its time. I like Mr. Baseball to give me some help off the bench with good average, excellent .OBP, and maybe a little power to help with slugging. And if he can help woo the women (Asian or not), then you take that every time. Every time, guys.

Jeezy: Pick #29 – Hamilton Porter, The Sandlot – Bench/C

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Haggleman just stole Tom Selleck’s mustache from my grasps. Time to build my bench, and continue to avoid drafting a 3B until later. Anyways, we gotta hurry this draft up, gotta get home for lunch. Every team needs a guy like the Great Hambino. His personality alone is great for team chemistry. Not to mention he can easily slide in behind the plate on Parkman’s off days. Ham has a solid bat and I can slot him at DH too, but I want him behind the plate to psyche out his opponents. Is that your sister out there in left field, naked? See just totally threw you off reading this. I’m in your head now. I want him at the front of every bench clearing brawl, mostly because he’ll start them. This guy is no Derek Jeter, he’ll stick up for his teammates and mix things up a bit. That’s why I love Ham, and he makes a mean S’more.

Haggleman: Pick #30 – Roger Dorn, Major League – Bench/3B

Jeezy has made a fatal error. He’s neglected third base too long, and now I will make him pay. Sure, sure, he can get Doris Murphy and her noodle bat, but he’ll have to consider her tendency to pilfer food from the fans as well. That will cause problems on Team Sanchez, mark my words. Dorn isn’t a big fan of fielding, and maybe he’ll pout a bit on the bench, but remember, my other third baseman is Ray Mitchell. Open competition anyone? I can throw him in at DH too if I want. You know what else I like? Dorn’s commitment. This guy hung on to the Major League franchise like a parasite. And I mean that in a completely complementary way. Kudos to you Dorn, come and join my team.

Jeezy: Pick #31 – Doris Murphy, A League of Their Own – 3B

Well shit. I showed my cards too early.  The more I think about it though, the more I’m glad he took Dorn off my hands.  I don’t want any of Dorn’s “ole” bullshit.  He can knock Doris all he wants, but she’s a winner, and a heck of a glove at the hot corner.  I won’t even need a SS with her at 3rd.  She’ll eat up grounders like they’re hot dogs.  The best of luck to anyone who can get a ball through the left side of my Murphy/Rodriguez infield.  She’s a tough son of a gun to boot.  And now Marla Hooch has a roommate on our road games.  She is a decent enough hitter that I’m very comfortable having Doris Murphy hit in the 9 hole.  Now let’s make like a bread truck and haul buns.

Haggleman: Pick #32 – Pablo Garcia, Angels in the Outfield – SS

Fourth from the right. He’s that obscure.

Well, here we are Pablo. I’ve been in a staring contest with this guy for about five picks now, just delaying the inevitable. I don’t know who he is, except that he played shortstop for the Angels and tricked Whitt Bass into believing the Star Spangled Banner was about a Spanish guy. Maybe he can hit? I guess we’ll find out. The left side of my infield is pretty Angel-y, so I guess that’s good. Ray Mitchell had a mullet, didn’t he? It never clicked until right now. I’m really rambling here. I think that’s a sign that this draft is exhausting us. Back to you, Jeezy. Don’t pick Squints, please.

Jeezy: Pick #33 – Tanner Boyle, Bad News Bears – Bench/SS

Woof. By the way, thanks for taking every 1st basemen, Haggs.  That’s like NEVER MOVING YOUR BACK ROW!  I HAVE to take smart-ass, foul-mouthed Tanner Boyle here.  I want to be able move the Jet around, and Boyle is a natural shortstop.  I liken him to Dustin Pedroia.  Before you scoff at that comparison, hear me out.  He’s tiny, isn’t afraid to throw some racial slurs around, and packs a punch with the bat.  He’ll call out his teammates when necessary, and even when unnecessary.  We are in full desperation mode now.  One bench spot left for me.  I hope Haggleman doesn’t grab Jerry Johnson. I want him really bad.  [winks at computer monitor]

Haggleman: Pick #34 – “All the Way” Mae Mordabito, A League of Their Own – Bench/OF

madonna

Everyone left is the worst all the time. Jeezy didn’t want me to pick Jerry Johnson. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know who that guy was. Had to use the Google search for him. What a waste of my time. So I’ll pick Mae because she spells her name kind of funny and she can play a decent centerfield and maybe her top will come undone and her bosoms will fly out. That’d be nice. This should also free her from the shackles of Stillwell, who tormented her endlessly. One more bench spot left after her. Puke.

Jeezy: Pick #35 – Isuro Tanaka, Major League II – Bench/OF

What a relief to be done picking scraps out of the player pool.  The Beast from the Far East is the last addition to my bench.  Got to give the guy credit, he went by two different names in two different Major League movies.  So that’s something.  Isuro, or Taka if you prefer, is a wild card.  Not sure what I’m really getting from this guy, and he may insult me in Japanese without me knowing.  I do like the Cerrano-Tanaka dynamic that I’m bringing to my ballclub.  Anytime you can get a guy that tells his teammates they have no balls, you do it.  Now who do I get to manage these all-stars?

Haggleman: Pick #36 – Kit Keller, A League of Their Own – SP

This wasn’t a pick I wanted. I’m going to include my write-up for Crash Davis because I liked doing it, and it hurt too much to think about losing it. ….

I couldn’t leave Crash out there. Yeah, I know he only made the Majors for three weeks. But he holds the Minor League record for homeruns! Or at least he did, until Merrill Hess from Signs came onto the scene (“It felt wrong not to swing”). I’m not looking for Thurman Munson here (RIP), just someone to fill my bench and to shoot the shit with while I hang in the dugout. And yeah, I WILL be in the dugout because I’m a hands on owner [winks at Mae Mordabito].

Anyway, I had a crush on Kit Keller as kid. Dottie was the one who got all the attention, and of course there was that Georgia Peach girl (WOWZER), but there was something about ‘lil Kit that I fell for. I think it was her feisty-ness. She really hated being the little sister. And even if she can’t lay off the high fastballs, I’m not paying her for that. I want her throwing high fastballs (But not too high Kit!). Pitching staff complete. [big stamp like in the movies]

Jeezy: Pick #37 – Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own – Manager

There’s a lot to like about Dugan.  He’s a former player, can manage both men and women, and wins games while being drunk half the time.  Jimmy doesn’t make his team work on fundamentals and reads his contract on the shitter.  He is a fiery manager, and isn’t afraid to just let his catcher manage a few games if he’s not interested.  I like that.  And really, let’s look at my other options when selecting a skipper.  He doesn’t need angels to win, his heart is in good enough condition to withstand the rigors of a 162-game season, and he’s not 12 years old.  Dugan also coined baseball’s golden rule: “There’s no crying in baseball!”  I hope Haggleman remembers that when Team Sanchez runs wild on him.

Haggleman: Pick #38 – Jake Taylor, Major League II – Manager

Well fiddlesticks, I expected Jeezy to go somewhere else with that one. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to pick a sober manager who cares about the games enough to be conscious for them. A lot to ask for, eh Jimmy? Jake Taylor didn’t manage many games, but in his time he displayed brilliance. He actually put in a pinch hitter who he KNEW would get hit by a pitch, and then he pinch ran for that guy. The man is the eight-ball of managers, he’s got an answer for everything. Chuckle, chuckle. And don’t get me started on what he did for Rube Baker. The man’s a legend. He can run my team any day.

Jeezy: Pick #39 – Harry Doyle, Major League – Play-by-Play

Harry Doyle is easily the finest Play-by-Play guy in any sports movie.  Probably because Bob Uecker is one of the best in real life too.  He has a one-liner for everything.  He made a terrible Indians team sound exciting.  I could explain more why I chose Doyle, but instead, you should probably just spend the next 8 minutes watching this.

Haggleman: Pick #40 – Uncredited Announcer, A League of Their Own – Play-by-Play

SO GLAD Jeezy went Harry Doyle. I’ve been so worried that he would take my guy from A League of Their Own that I think I let it affect my last few picks (Kit Keller? REALLY?) Though we were never able to learn his name, this guy had so many one-liners and fun little quotes that I’ll never forget him. I still quote him to this day.

“OH DOCTOR”

“Well bite my butt and call me an apple” (God, that one is too good for words)

And finally…

“Take me home Momma and put me to bed. I have seen enough to know I have seen too much.”

THE LINEUPS

LINEUPCARD

Jeezy’s Take:  I was nervous with the first pick in the draft.  I don’t know how it happened but 1 through 9, I got every starter I wanted.  Look at that lineup.  It screams power.  The Killer H’s alone (Hayes, Hobbs, Hooch, Haywood) would be enough of an offense to win 100 games.  Benny the Jet is batting EIGHTH!  That’s Mark Bellhorn territory.  My pitching staff is stellar.  Nebraska as the #1 starter is a risk/reward since he climbed to the top of Yankee Stadium before Game 1 of the World Series.  But who hasn’t done that, right?  The bench isn’t great.  Porter is serviceable, Boyle is a shit-talker, and Tanaka is Japanese.  Regardless, I can’t go wrong with a manager like Dugan and the laugh riot that is Harry Doyle.  I’m a notoriously tough grader, so I give my draft grade a solid A+++.

Haggleman’s Take: There’s a lot to like about this team. Put it this way, I’ve got the best players from Mr. 3000. That’s not enough? Well I’ve got three Angels too. Still not enough? Okay, you’re right, this team isn’t as good as we hoped. But don’t bail on me yet. I’m at capacity at first base and I’ve got the Nuker starting for me on opening day. I definitely win the bench battle with Mae, LumberJack Elliot, and Roger Dorn. My youth may show at closer, but the pure stuff was too good to pass up. And then I have Taylor. Jakey Taylor, the man who just won’t quit. Add in that guy from A League of Their Own to do play-by-play, and I like my guys (and girls) to win a few against the Jeezy. Now I’m imagining No-Name Announcer in the same booth as Harry Doyle and it’s spectacular. I just want that to happen one time.

QUOTES FROM THE WAR ROOM

JS: there really are like no talented baseball players in baseball movies

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HM: middle infield is a wasteland

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HM: i think hemmerling is like a punto, he’s a utility. although not sure he’s worth a pick

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HM: nobody played ss in a league of their own did they?

JS: did betty spaghetti get any run there?

HM: betty is listed as LF on imdb, but im quite certain she played a lot of first

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HM: oh crap we didn’t include summer catch

JS: how did i not remember that, there’s probably 3 quality players from that movie

JS: and yes im counting wilmer valderrama

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HM: #RIPGBABY

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JS: I’ve got some pent up anger against Dottie. I may add that to my pick that follows her selection

HM: did she drop it on purpose?

JS: OF COURSE SHE DID MAN

JS: she put family first, i dont want any part of that

HM: i took it into consideration, still couldn’t deny the talent

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HM: you did it. you actually dropped a rick vaughn right guard commercial reference

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JS: and Billy Chapel, even though I dont think Ill draft him unless absolutely necessary*

*Drafted him

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HM: a league of their own announcer.. uncredited

HM: i mean i probably wouldn’t take a league of their own guy, but i wouldve at least mentioned him whenever i do make that pick*

*Drafted him

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HM: crash is a nice character guy, but he’s a career minor leaguer. gonna be tough for him to find a spot on either team*

*Tried drafting him

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HM: i can’t believe how much talent there was in angels in the outfield

HM: acting talent that is

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HM: have too many slow pokes it ain’t easy making a lineup card

JS: very interested to see who your leadoff is

HM: Me too

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HM: i remember you taking, whitt bass, nebraska, eddie harris, rick vaughn, and kenny denunez, who am i missing?

JS: billy chapel

HM: that’s right, how could i forget that guy

JS: everyone did, its ok

HM: i guess i’ll drop crash, although it pains me to lose the merrill hess joke

JS: i loved that one, drop pablo man

HM: but then i dont have a shortstop

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HM: I figured a Wesley snipes character has to be in the leadoff

HM: i like how stereotyped middle infield is in these movies

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So there you have it.  The 1st (and only) Aggro Swag Baseball Movie Fantasy Draft is complete.  Hope you had as much fun reading it as we did drafting.  Did you agree with the picks? Leave your thoughts in the comments. Unfortunately, this means we are absolutely going to do one of these for basketball and football movies.  It makes too much sense not to. Let the Tim Riggins v. Spike from Little Giants debate begin.

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2 thoughts on “The Baseball Movie Fantasy Draft

  1. Pingback: The Basketball Movie Fantasy Draft | Aggro Swag

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