Report Card: The Girlfriends of Zack Morris

Was there anyone cooler in the 90’s than Zack Morris?  Look at him.  He could get any girl he wanted! AND he had a cell phone bigger than a human head.  Talk about lucky.  Over the years, Zack had his fair share of shorties on Saved by the Bell. I didn’t realize HOW many though until I actually wrote this article…and holy crap this dude was a player!  Sure, he had AC Slater to compete with, but in the end Zack always got the girl.  Zack really like variety with his women: white, black, handicapped, fat, skinny, tall, gay, mothers, nerds…you name it.  Let’s take a trip down memory lane as we look at the best AND worst of Zack Morris’s love life.

Kelly Kapowski

Every boy’s dream girl from the 90’s.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY can rock the jean jacket like Kelly. She is a goddess.  Also she’s kind of a total slut-bag. Let’s look at her track record.  Besides Zack, Kelly has been with that sleazeball Jeff, acting legend and pothead Johnny Dakota, alleged super hunk Todd Masters, and even had a summer fling with the kid who played Rusty from Full House.  She gets around.  Still, her hotness supersedes her whorish tendencies.  She gets noticed by a modeling agency/pedophile factory after she poses in a calendar of high school girls in bikinis.  Does anyone else find that a bit unusual?  Kelly shined in Hot Sundae, a pop super group that lasted a week or so.  She broke up with Zack at homecoming, like mid-dance, leaving Slater and Jessie to sing for Zack Attack.  What a bitch.  Still, Kelly is volleyball captain, head cheerleader, and basically just a hottie with a body.  She transfers to be close to Zack in college, and the rest is history.  With that history involving a high-speed chase around Las Vegas before a wedding.  I don’t care if she fooled around with older dudes, younger dudes or Screech…she was so hot that Zack made a life-size cardboard cutout of her that he keeps in his room.  If I had the ingenuity and creepiness of him, I’d do the same.  I ❤ Kelly. Grade: A+

Jessie Spano

Zack’s next-door neighbor and best friend since childhood.  This romance only lasted like two days, about the average length of a Zack Morris relationship.  Jessie was cast as Snow White (more on that in a bit) in Bayside’s rap version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  Zack was obviously Prince Charming.  The kiss scene was hot enough for the two to FREAK OUT about how their significant others would react (HINT: NOT WELL).  Let me get back to the casting of this play, which was the only reason Jessie lands on this list.  Who, IN THEIR RIGHT MIND, casts Kelly as the Wicked Stepmother and that drug addict Jessie as Snow White?  I’m too lazy to check but I’m willing to bet it was the same director who was in charge of Swan Pond, and we all know what a clusterf*ck that was.  This was pre-Showgirls mind you, so not even Slater himself knew what was under that denim blouse. Jessie was a tall drink of water, and gets extra credit only because we know what she looks like naked (BOOBIES!).  That made us all so excited, and so scared. Grade: C+

Lisa Turtle

The token black character from every sitcom not written by Tyler Perry usually doesn’t get their moment in the sun.  Lisa Turtle is the exception here.  Lark Voohries must have had some questionable pictures of the SBTB writing staff because the episode where her and Zack are an item was her Super Bowl.  The whole show surrounded Lisa’s attempt to put on a fashion show for FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology), or as I like to call it, DeVry.  Cut to her and Zack backstage, working late, and well, you get the picture. Zack had a taste for brown sugar, much to Screech’s chagrin.  Zack and Screech nearly came to blows over Lisa after the Screechster sabotaged the fashion show.  The crazy part of all is that the episode ends with Lisa and Zack holding hands as a couple, and we NEVER see them dating again! Lisa was pretty hot, even though she ended up dating a freshman as a senior and Eric, Jessie’s stupid stepbrother.  She is a gold digger, kind of a turn-off.  I never understood why Kelly was so cool with those two, but she was probably breaking up a marriage with her 30 year old boyfriend somewhere. Grade: B-

Stacey Carosi

staceycarosi

Super bitchy New Yorker, Stacy Carosi, heiress to the Malibu Sands Beach Club empire, doesn’t give Zack the time of day initially. Despite Zack picking Kelly over Stacy in the Miss Fourth of July pageant, Stacy develops feelings for Zack.  After getting over the hurdle of Stacy having a boyfriend (cheater), she and Zack get her father Leon’s blessing and they date…for like 48 hours.  Then summer is over.  They plan on getting together for holidays, but we all know that isn’t happening.  Stacy flies back to New York, returns to her life as Carrie, marries Doug Heffernan and the two currently reside in Queens.  Total guess on that last sentence though.  I always thought Zack could have done better that summer, you know, being at a beach and all. Grade: B

Danielle

Danielle is a co-ed from USC that Zack meets at the Max.  After changing her tire (wink) and lying to her about being a photography major at the same college, Zack meets her at the over-18 club, The Attic.  Danielle was SMOKING; I’ll be the first to admit that.  But she was dumb as hell.  USC is a big campus, but why would Zack be hanging out at the Max, an obvious high school hangout, if he went to college?  Red flag, Dani.  Then this broad believes that Zack’s mom is his sister?!  What Appalachian backwoods town does she think Los Angeles is?  We later find that The Attic is doucher Jeff’s prime cheating hangout. He’s so smug. Grade: A-

Joanna Peterson

Joanna Peterson is responsible for the single greatest sitcom fight in history.  She was the new girl that both Zack and Slater wanted more than Mr. Tuttle wanted a Academic Bowl Championship (Yeah, I went there).  Some fine work by both gentlemen to ruin the other’s date with Joanna.  Bonus points for Zack going the extra mile to hire an actress to play Slater’s mom.  The balls on you pal.  Joanna ends up choosing neither of them, what a god damn tease.  Still, this fight was seriously the best acted fistfight I’ve ever seen.

Part two of the fight at the Max resulted in pouring punch down each other’s pants. YOU SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING FOR YOU, JOANNA?! Ungrateful bitch. Grade: C

Nicki Kapowski

Nicki is Kelly’s tomboy little sister who has a crush on Zack.  She calls the first iteration of the Teen Line where Zack, posing as Nitro, gets the lines crossed and tells Nicki to go for Zack and tells Kelly to let him go.  OOPS!

Sidenote:  How does the Kapowski family, with the 23 siblings and poverty stricken parents Kelly claims to be responsible for have TWO phone lines?  Yet, she can’t afford a damn dress for her prom.  Priorities, Mr. Kapowski.  And another thing, were the writers SO lazy that two entirely different episodes have the gang creating a Teen Line? Answer, yes. They were. I blame Tori. 

Zack ends up trying to act like a dork to shake Nicki off of him, which backfires until he tells the truth.  Kelly, who we catch on a rare night where she’s single, dresses in costume to spy on the break-up, to her delight.  Does the drama club at Bayside even lock the costumes up at night?  These kids just waltz right in there, don’t they? Nicki is like 14 in this episode, and I feel dirty even writing about her. Grade: Incomplete

Penny Belding

Mr. Belding, who is so whipped by his wife that he has to pimp out his family, is forced to find a date for his niece, Penny, who is in town visiting on the same night as Kelly’s birthday party.  Of course, Zack gets blackmailed into a date with the hideous beast.  Belding is a fine educator.  Always thinking, Zack gets Screech to pretend to be him so Zack can attend Kelly’s birthday and not let Slater get his greasy paws all over her.  Penny is a woofer, so no one can blame Zack for the ol’ switcheroo.  When Kelly finds out about the whole charade, she’s flattered.  Kelly is stupid. Grade: D

Melissa

Melissa calls in to the second Teen Line (see above) and Zack becomes smitten with her.  They meet for a date when he learns she is in a wheelchair.  GAMECHANGER.  He acts like she is helpless and tries to take care of her wherever they go.  What a nice guy, right?  NAH BRO, MELISSA HATES THAT S***.  After a wheelchair basketball FULL of lolz and Slater forgetting the rules, Zack lets everyone know that Melissa is the only handicapped person playing.  UH OH.  She freaks out on him, forcing him to apologize and whatnot until they make up.  We never hear from Melissa again.  Good riddance, there’s plenty of fish in the sea with two working legs. Grade: D-

Wendy Parks

Because a school with 3 cheerleaders can’t afford new uniforms, the gang decides to hold a Date Auction to raise money so Kelly can look even hotter.  All for it!  Wendy, a larger than life character, outbids the slutty blonde Zack wanted to win, by dropping a hundred on Morris.  What about Kelly you ask?  Well we certainly can’t expect a poor Kapowski girl to cough up that kind of dough.  Zack is repulsed by fat Wendy, faking illnesses and such, just to avoid her.  She gets pissed at him, refusing to speak until he apologizes, which he does.  Wendy has standards you know, minus the fact that she PAID MONEY to be with Zack.  Look in a mirror sometime, Wendy.  A wide one. Grade: F (for FAT)

Andrea

Zack meets Andrea while on vacation in Hawaii.  He looks past her daughter, who is at least 5 years old, and still wants a piece of the Hawaiian beauty.  She’s so hot that a teenager romances her despite having a child 10 years younger than him.  Needless to say, Andrea needs to get her life in order if she’s falling for Zack.  She’s at least in her late 20’s, and refuses to uproot from Hawaii for California (because she’s clearly got a lot going on if she’s dating high schoolers).  Zack loves two things, train wrecks and MILFS. Still, those eyes. Andrea? More like DAMN-drea! Grade: B+

Kristy Barnes

At this point in the series, it’s obvious that Zack is dating these girls as a joke.  Kristy is the new female wrestler that with Zack’s help convinces Coach Sonski to let her on the wrestling team.  Jessie, who is a crazy feminist, lobbies for Kristy until she thinks the hussy is moving in on Slater while they practice rear bear hugs, a totally normal wrestling move based on the wrestling knowledge I learn from Saved by the Bell.  CLASSIC MISUNDERSTANDING, SPANO.  Zack gets beat up on a date with Kristy and she takes care of the bully.  Emasculated and embarrassed, Zack wants nothing to do with her until she quits the team and he realizes the errors of his ways.  She returns to the mat, wins her match, and vanishes into Saved by the Bell folklore with the rest of Zack’s ladies.  I’d never take a chance with a girl wrestler.  I’d just think of Chyna all the time. [shivers] Grade: C+

Nurse Jennifer

Zack FINALLY gets Kelly to stop whoring around and go steady with him.  But here comes Jennifer, the new school nurse.  Blinded by beauty, Zack falls for the smoking hot nurse and throws Kelly to the curb.  That’s a tough pickle he’s in. Here he is, having won Kelly’s heart at last, and a day into the relationship wants to dump her.  Jennifer learns of Zack’s affection for her, and surprisingly doesn’t pursue him like that whore Andrea.  Zack really screwed up this episode as he winds up empty handed in the hot-bitty department.  Hard to trust Kelly though, she’d get hot and bothered if they walked by my grandpa.  Extra credit for Jennifer’s role as a Lamaze instructor on Full House.  If she can make Danny Tanner forget about his dead wife (RIP Pam), then she must be a babe. Grade: A

JB Slater

Slater’s sister attends Bayside smack dab in the middle of Sock Hop season.  Zack becomes enamored with JB, causing yet ANOTHER rift between him and Slater.  The fate of the Five Aces is in doubt.  Even a bearskin-wearing Mr. Belding and his male bonding exercise on a wrestling mat can’t bring the two sides together.  JB was too much Slater for my liking.  What ethnicity were the Slaters anyways? I know in college he claims to be Chicano, but that was just so he could hook up with a Latino chick.  JB is never heard from again (shocking) after this episode, so we can only assume Major Slater heard of her whoring and sent her to boot camp.  I’d want nothing to do with the Slater family, always a chance they throw a live grenade at you. Grade: C

Laura

Zack Morris must have been going through a dry spell on Christmas break when he decided that a homeless girl was the next in line to join his black book.  Laura roamed the mall with her homeless father, eating only apples for lunch and working at a Moody’s Clothes for Men.  Zack doesn’t even bat an eye when he finds out Laura is homeless.  I’d be all like “AH GROSS GET OUTTA HERE YOU DIRTY BUM!”  Instead, Zack takes the next logical step in homeless awareness and invites her to act in a Christmas play. Kelly decides to stick her god damn nose in their business because she’s going through a dry spell of her own and ends up getting Laura fired.  The Morris family ends up getting Laura’s father a job selling computers, because all homeless people are on the cutting edge of computer technology.  Laura was not worth the trouble that holiday season.  I’d like to think Zack broke up with her on Christmas morning and sang “I’ll Be HOME For Christmas,” just to be a big asshole. Grade: D+

Tori Scott

F*** you, Tori. Why should we believe that Zack Morris, a playboy with a track record like he had, would date this thing?  Look at her.  What am I missing?  Zack and Slater had a bet about who would kiss Tori first.  I think Slater probably said OK just so Zack would do it and then have Tori reveal that she was really a man.  I hated Tori so much.  Lisa became friends with her just because there were four girls in the entire senior class after Kelly and Jessie disappeared for a few months.  She was covered in leather with hair so big that rock bands from the 80’s would be embarrassed. Tori was a big zit on an otherwise beautiful TV show.  Seriously Tori, F*** you. Grade: F-

Ginger

For the uneducated, Ginger is played by the same actress who played Veronica Vaughn in Billy Madison.  Nice work, Zachary.  Ginger is a huge bimbo but is one fine piece of ACE.  I know from experience, dude.  Not really.  Surprisingly, Zack’s booty call shows up on several occasions during the Tori years, and when you have a huge lesbian like Tori, I’d take whatever I can get and Ginger was certainly an excellent alternative. Grade: B+

Louise

Sure, it was just a ploy to earn the nerd vote for the school song, but Zack swept Louise off her feet.  In terms in SBTB Nerds, Louise > Violet Bickerstaff.  Easy.  This can not be argued.  Hell, I’ll take Louise over Tori any day of the week.  I’d also take Ms. Simpson over Tori. Grade: D-

Stevie

steviesbtb

I went back and forth about whether or not to include someone from the Miss Bliss years.  I’d like to think that season never existed, like most things in Indiana.  On the other hand, if I’m including Leather Heather (Tori), I might as well mention Stevie.  A former student of Miss Bliss, Stevie became a “huge” pop star that decided to have her final concert in a middle school lunch room in front of 20 people.  Huge? More like GINORMOUS!  Zack, being the young pimp he was, bets that he could kiss Stevie before the rest of his loser friends.  He did, but he kissed the real-life Hannah Montana instead, who, by the way, was years older than Zack.  How the hell did he do this his whole life?  Well, until Franklin & Bash where he bangs 20 year-olds.  That’s for another day. Grade: B-

Credit to LOLSlater for many of the screen caps

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