Video Village is a regular Aggro Swag feature in which we break down important YouTube videos in our nation’s illustrious history. 90% of these videos will involve cats. 100% if I get my way.
There’s nothing I love more than cheesy sports montages from TV shows. The actors almost never know how to play the sport involved and the directors don’t even try to hide it. Take for instance, one of my favorite Full House scenes ever. In this episode, DJ has signed up the guys for a 3-on-3 charity basketball tournament. Of course she is coaching against Kimmy Gibbler because everyone else hates charity. Uncle Jesse shoots like Rajon Rondo but with the help of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (who hangs out in suburban San Francisco, obviously), finds a sweet spot on the court where he never misses. Also the dog from Air Bud plays Comet and makes a jumper because Full House is the best.
*Note, embedding of this video was disabled because the person who uploaded this hates America.
0:00 – “First one to twelve baskets is the winner.” Baskets? Who says baskets? Right off the bat, Coach DJ has displayed her limited knowledge of the game. I guess selecting Jesse, Joey and Danny for a team was the first sign she was in over her head.
0:03 – “Aaaaand BREAK!” What a pep talk! My blood is PUMPING right now!
0:05 – [whistle] Traveling on Gladstone, one second into the game.
0:08 – Ease up on the celebration, D-Wade.
0:11 – Danny Tanner rocking the Shawn Marion shooting form. Couldn’t schedule an hour of practice before we shot this scene?
0:15 – Let’s talk about the Yellow Team’s uniform. Matching plaid khaki shorts for a 3-on-3 tournament is almost as bad as [looks Team Tanner] ugh, wearing windpants. We couldn’t Saget and Stamos into some Umbros or something?
0:18 – What kind of s*** pass was that? I’m not a director but at that point I’d probably yell “cut” and do that over. It’s like the three of them prepared for this basketball role by playing soccer.
0:24 – Every ethnicity? Check.
0:26 – OH BABEE! OH BABEE! THE PROFESSOR!
0:40 – I don’t know what is going but wheelchair guy in the background is a nice touch.
0:46 – Me, every time I watch this show.
0:53 – [whistle] Moving screen, Katsopolis.
0:55 – [whistle] Traveling on Gladstone, again.
0:56 – [whistle] Flagrant 2 on everyone. GUY ON YELLOW PICKS UP STAMOS AND CARRIES HIM AWAY. Come on Kareem, you got to call SOMETHING! Pretty sure that’s excessive contact. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about the horrendous shot selection by Joey either. It’s 3-on-3 and he’s pulling up from 30 feet with Danny getting no looks despite a huge advantage down low. That falls on the head coach.
1:03 – [whistle] traveling on Yellow. NOBODY IS GOOD AT THIS SPORT!!!
1:06 – [sarcastic cheer from Jeezy] About time, ref.
1:20 – Why does DJ have a whistle? When has a coach ever blown a whistle during a game? THESE ARE HUGE PLOT HOLES (to me).
1:28 – Coach DJ is a little full of herself, rocking the monogrammed hat. Don’t get me started on Uncle Jesse’s Yankee hat. He can’t play sports and doesn’t know a fruit bat from a baseball bat. Therefore, he’s the most Yankee fan ever.
1:30 – “We need to set up a special play!” Coach DJ proceeds to draw up a simple pick and roll. IS THAT EVEN LEGAL??? I bet the play she drew up looked like this:
1:46 – For some inexplicable reason, the YouTube uploader decides that THIS is when to cut the video off, leaving out Uncle Jesse’s game-winning jumper. I will summarize it for you: Kareem butts in on the huddle and tells them to let Jesse shoot. Seems a bit unfair that the referee is clearly helping, but the other team is coached by Kimmy Gibbler so it’s excusable. Jesse can’t get to his infamous sweet spot and is forced to catch a pass at the top of the key (gulp), WIDE OPEN as the Yellow Team swarms on Danny and Joey. There’s no time limit, but Jesse decides to fire away, hitting nothing but net and winning the game. It surely goes down as the greatest moment in “Baskets for Bayview” 3-on-3 Tournament history. His kids were taking a wiz while it happened so they still think their dad sucks. <3.
The following is an artistic recreation of the final play: